Thursday, July 23, 2009

Affliction/Ed Hardy tee shirt guy....You are a douchebag!

Everyone knows this guy....He is infecting college campuses, bars/clubs, concerts and every shopping mall in America like an STD with no cure. He is the one wearing the "smedium" Affliction or Ed Hardy tee shirt, along with designer jeans, or tacky plaid shorts (which are already too busy on their own to go with the tee-shirt) and lets not forget...A cross or chain hanging out of the shirt, and some Pumas or custom Air Force Ones.

It is bad enough that the shirt looks like a 7 year old child drew all the possible things in his head for the day (crosses, flowers, skulls, dragons, falcons, flames, snowflakes, unicorns, ferries, gnomes and some undistinguished liger like animal) on to the shirt and then gave it to his sister to add bedazzle rhinestones and glitter on there, but you douchebags wearing this stuff paid at least $50.00 (in a recession I might add) for it! I have seen some of the more, shall we say, "elaborate" designs going for $90.00-$100.00. Now I am all for spending money on nice things, I own several pairs of jeans that cost $200.00 or more, but whoever is setting the price points on these shirts is laughing all the way to the bank when you meathead douchebags come up to the register with four of them for your upcoming holiday weekend at the beach.

I think whoever came up with these shirts had advice from Bernie Madoff on how to run a great scam and fuck people out of their money all while making them think they have something they don’t…Madoff made people think they were wealthy, Affliction or Ed Hardy tee shirts make people think they have style and class…Sadly neither are true. If you were in bed with Madoff you are most likely broke, if you wear Affliction or Ed Hardy you surely have no style and I doubt you have any class. Also if you are older than 35, it is over dude, you should not even be thinking about wearing these shirts! I saw at least 50 guys between 35 and 60 at the Elton John/Billy Joel concert in D.C. with them on (yes I went to the show, no I am not gay).

Here is my ten-point profile for your typical Affliction or Ed Hardy tee shirt guy. If you are lucky enough to know someone that fits all ten points then you are in the company of a rare breed my friends and you should do your civic duty by setting them on fire then and shoot them in the head. Don’t worry, I am sure once you explain to the States Attorney why you did it, they will drop the charges. That said, if you or anyone you know fits more than two of the points on the profile, you are most likely a total douchebag!

Ten-point profile

1) 5'0-5'8

2) Spends all their gym time on their arms and chest (for the short sleeves and tight fit)

3) Shaved head or very very spiky hair/Jersey Blow-Out

4) Will tell everyone in earshot they are training for MMA and can choke out the whole bar (incase you cared or you were wondering if anyone could in fact choke out everyone at the bar)

5) Usually wearing some sort of god awful Aldo or Steve Madden square toe dress shoes with their Affliction tee shirt and Rock and Republic jeans

6) When having to step up the dress code they can be found wearing a stripped suit jacket or blazer with an Afflciton tee or when in VIP a mismatching stripped button up shit (unbuttoned to their waxed mid chest)

7) Has many pics on Facebook/Myspace of them dancing/throwing their hands to the sky/doing fake gang signs or the fluttering bird/jocking btiches/ballin in the club or just generally being douchebag worthy in all aspects of life

8) Red Bull and Vodka…all night long

9) Often speaks of their adventures with bottle service in the VIP area (they are balla you know)

10) Will not disclose they have HPV until after they have had unprotected sex with you

If they can come up with Valtrex to keep genital herpes at bay, surely there is someone or something out there that can help eliminate the social disease that is the Affliction/Ed Hardy tee shirt guy.

1 comment:

  1. With all the negativity on social media plastered on the internet condemning men who wear Affiction clothing, I decided to share my opinion. I am 50 years old. In my younger days I was a part time professional male model with a keen sense of fashion. Yes, I wear Affliction clothing. And no I am not gay, I love women and have been married 28 years. I am also a U.S. Army combat veteran. The clothes a person wears does not make a person gay, a douche bag or any other stereotypical referendum that other males want to call a person, just because of what they wear or look like. Myself, I am one of the nicest persons you could ever meet, I could even hang out with you cause I typically get along with everyone. Don't judge a book by its cover, get to know the person behind the clothes.